We Have Met The Enemy And He is Us-A.W. Toezer

I am my own worst enemy; my own satan if you will. The diabolic figure we typically attribute our woes to gets far too much credit in my opinion. Often times we perpetrate self-inflicting harm, all the while seeking another to blame. Although the adversary is real and wreaks havoc, the transference of blame from our self to an external party eliminates personal responsibility for our thoughts, actions, and sins.  

I say all of this because recent doubts about this voyage to Israel have reared their ugly head. And, I'm fairly sure they stem from my dearth of self-confidence, a persistent negative perspective, and lack of trust in the One who has sent me. The voice of ambiguity clamors for my attention the closer my departure date draws near. Questions have surfaced regarding purpose: Should I stay or should I go? What am I doing? Am I crazy? Am I acting responsibly given my age and financial situation? Will this decision detrimentally affect the rest of my life? Am I getting ahead of myself? Is this scheduled trip ahead of God's time?
 
Upon a closer reading, inherent in all those questions is an undercurrent of negativity. Instead of viewing this as a potential unparalleled, watershed experience of spiritual wealth, I have conditioned myself to think of this experience as a nominal endeavor rife with nothing but the worst to come. In essence, I've made myself the lowest common denominator instead of making God the highest quotient.  

Fortunately, I've had good counsel throughout this process to encourage, support, and keep me on the path God has set forth. However, I've begun wondering about the pathology of this sort of detrimental self-talk. What has caused these doubts to covertly creep in? Why the vacillation when I feel the gravity of God pulling me to Israel?

The best answer can be boiled down to these words: fear of uncertainty.

Uncertainty breeds doubts and doubts create challenges and challenges give rise to faith. And faith, the kind which bears no reason, offers no explanation, cuts against the grain of mainstream society, raises people from the dead, whispers quietly in the midst of chaos and appears downright ludicrous, will RATTLE YOUR CAGE. And when your cage gets rattled, you begin to learn about yourself.

I've learned some things about myself through this process; things I've already known and new issues that have arisen.

One, I'm a very anxious/preoccupied person, especially when it comes to future planning. When it comes to life altering decisions, I like everything laid out on a table for me to see in advance. Foolishly, this fictional wishful thinking often rubs up against the non-fiction of reality; the future is not meant to be known in the present. Occupational uncertainty and lack of financial security have begun to ruminate in my head constantly. Will I land a job once this educational opportunity is over? How much debt am I willing to absorb to pursue this calling? Will I be able to payoff this debt? Is the financial hit worth the spiritual investment? Will I even get enough money to stay for a second semester? If I don't, the credentials I plan to attain are nixed. So, will that affect my standing before future employers to teach what I have learned? Am even I cut out to be a teacher?

Two, the myopic view of life I employ at times causes me to forget all God has done already. At the outset, this enterprise was as good dead. God has steadily breathed life into it, breath by breath day by day.    

For instance, I got accepted to this university which is easy to overlook. Bless God! I received a $2,000 scholarship from the school for each semester. Bless God! I have received monetary donations from a number of people willing to collaborate with me on this journey. Bless God! My family understands and supports this decision and have verbally stated "You need to be over there." Bless God! Uplifting conversations with a mentor from a far who attended JUC and went through the same process I am going through has validated my undertaking, going so far as to say "I have led 8 trips to Israel. You are the only person I could say that if I had the money I would send this kid to JUC." Bless God! A friend closer than a brother has provided unparalleled wisdom and encouragement and has walked with me to keep me sane and focused. Bless God! Through prayer, God has closed doors that needed to be closed in order to give me assurance that the path I'm on is good. Bless God! And, my parents said they could foot the second semester bill as a loan. Bless God!

Third, my self-confidence is deficient. I want to teach all I have learned and will learn. Yet, there are times when I feel a deep sense of inadequacy. I'm not yet good at verbal communication and my train of thought is like a ping pong ball. I'm horrible at organizing my thoughts on the fly and just bad at organization in general. My order is another's chaos.

Many of the iconic figures in the Bible struggled with self-doubt and a diminished sense of ability. Moses said he could not speak well. Jeremiah said he was too young to speak on behalf of God. Jonah fled from God when given his marching orders. Gideon claimed he wasn't strong enough to fight. At some point or another, many Biblical heroes struggled in their faith with God and the mission they were called to implement.

What is so comforting is God's refusal to give up on these individuals despite their inherent flaws and lack of self-esteem. Jonathan Sacks once said "more than we have faith in God, He has faith in us." We all have tasks appointed to us that only we have the ability to carry out that no one else can perform. God has such confidence in humans, that He appoints us to do his bidding here on earth. This brings me great peace in the midst of my reservations.

Rabbi Akiva, a 1st century rabbi from Capernaum, said: "The greatest sin is to teach a disciple to have faith in God, but not teach that disciple that God has faith in them."

That is the axiomatic truth I'm learning about God. I've been afforded this unique opportunity to understand, know, and learn who God is through living in Israel, the testing ground of faith. God DOES have the faith in me to be a good teacher. He DOES trust that I will make good on the investment he is pouring into my soul. He has faith that I can do what I'm anointed to do. He believes I can be like Him. He trusts I will be what He has ordained me to be. He has faith in Himself that he will provide what I need to be there. The question is do I have faith that He has faith in me.

Abraham Joshua Heschel made a remarkable statement in one his books: "The greatest sin is to forget that you are a prince."

I am royalty with all things given to me through Yeshu'a the Mashiach.

Despite all the confidence God has in me, the internal war wages. I'm reminded of the man Yeshu'a encountered in Mark's account of the son possessed by a spirit who caused him to convulse and foam at the mouth. Yeshu'a's profession of "everything is possible for one who believes" is followed up the man's confession of "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief."

Those man's words are mine today.






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